Relfections & Integration

in·te·grate  (nt-grt)

[From Middle English, intact, from Latin integrtus, past participle of integrre, to make whole, from integer, complete; see tag- in Indo-European roots.] 

1. To make into a whole by bringing all parts together; unify.

5. Psychology To bring about the integration of (personality traits).

Integration is my new best friend & Hope sits with me at my front door. This is the time of my life that I feel like I have come the closest in my relationship with God. I'd never want to go through it again or for anyone else to have to go through such anguish. I wouldn't give it up for anything. I have learned so much about my capacities and of God's great love for me. I am reconciled to God and am whole because of His Atonement.

I definitely struggle. Some days are harder than others. Some hurts are deeper this time around. Some things are way more confusing-- like my ex soon to be twice removed; I don't "get" him. He's been back & forth on being a church goer or an atheist about 3 times in the last year alone. He can be a nice guy & he's also a big jerk, especially to me (which you'll never hear me telling my kids. They'll figure that out for themselves on their own time frame. I refuse to have my kids hate something that's very much a part of them--their Father).

There are things that I am grateful for now. Like my beautiful children & how I've grown as a woman, wife & mother. I definitely like being able to hang out with good friends and not have to worry about the flack he'd give me for talking to them. I can buy clothes without wondering whether or not he'd like them (though I'm still self-conscious about it because of my personal issues prior to the marriage & then his contribution upon that). I get to discipline my kids differently. I can buy groceries without him looking over my shoulder to give his approval. Heck, I can go to counseling and not have to worry about my changes & the bigger gap that came to be from our differing choices.

I play, laugh, smile & cry more. I feel. I'm happier than I have been in a really long time. I have gotten to know so many more people being separated & divorced. I went back to school & found another career that I'm passionate about. My work is my refuge from the storm. I have more friends now & I love it. I'm happy & I have no one here to try to make me feel bad or guilty for being so.

I married quite young & we both came from "rough" backgrounds. Not the best possibilities to begin with. Neither of us had a sense of who we were yet. Neither of us had a fully developed prefrontal cortex (decision making center). I had the faith & grew greatly in the 10 years I've known him. At times I regret marrying him both times; but when it comes down to it, I wouldn't be who I am today without having him as experience. It's been a stepping stone to many other things that lie ahead & I will someday have a greater understanding of why things had to be this way, yet again. He has his agency & I have mine.

Sometimes it's not a matter of willingness, but of tools, knowledge & skills. I lacked significantly in these areas. *Yes. I am glad that this is past tense.*

I am a firm believer that two people who are both willing to be humble, repent (change for the better--Greek root of the word), appreciate & respect each other, and are willing to grow together could have a great marriage. It takes work. Hard & great work. A work worth our every best and feeble efforts.

I am confident that my next relationship will be much healthier because I am healthier emotionally. I've worked tirelessly on myself & my "baggage" for the last 2 years solid. I am the kind of person who strives not for perfection, but consistent growth & renewal.

I however do know that if I were to get in a relationship right now, or shortly after our divorce was finalized,  that I would run into some significant problems. I would end up repeating the same story with different scenery & characters. I don't know anything different yet. While I am on the road to recovery & healing through the Atonement, my wounds are fresh & deep. I need time to walk across the bridge to a feeling & recognition of wholeness.

It scares me to think of being "out there" again. A lot. I think the 1st step, beyond championing my self-relationship & becoming an awesome mom, is to just be okay with being still. Also scary--to a point. I don't like the super quiet moment at the end of the day when I'm physically all alone. It kind of sucks. At the same time, I am free to cry as much as I want or need & how I want to. It's a nice peace of mind.

Rarely has life gone the way I planned. Somehow, it always ends up better than I ever imagined. Of course, that's after the grueling & beautiful journey that preceded it. I'm worth it. We all are. Truly as heartbreaking as this has been, it's been BEAUTIFUL!

Beautiful Heartbreak

Judgment, Divorce, and Grief

The other day I wrote something that explains what I have been feeling about myself: “I love him. I'd like to have a better relationship, but I can't force him to heal and become whole. There are torn heartstrings--as from an LDS viewpoint there is an element of always "forgiving" and having enough "faith"--the cultural expectation that if you endure long enough, pray sincerely enough, try hard enough, & be righteous enough--that everything will be the way it ideally should be. That is a great weight on my shoulders; a heavy burden to bear--I feel that if I divorce him again, I am somehow failing miserably. I know logically I'm not responsible for healing him, yet I know I'm the only person who's been consistent with loving him in his entire life. I have a really hard time letting go of that.”

So today I was becoming really bothered that other people were perhaps judging me—they did not agree with my point of view or my choices. I was frustrated and felt betrayed. How could they not understand? It was so clear to me.

Then I realized that I was looking for outward approval and that I was putting my ego into it. I humbled myself and took a hard look at what I was really feeling and how I was the one judging others. I remembered an article in this month's Ensign, “Look Up, Not Sideways”. I remembered that I need to be seeking the Lord's approval on my decisions and not the world's, even if the world to me is my family, friends, and neighbors. http://lds.org/ensign/2012/01/look-up?lang=eng

It is amazing how quickly I received comfort and clarity when I sincerely poured my heart out to Him. I had a distinct thought. Emily, “You are grieving for your loss,” and that's okay. The thoughts went on from there.

If my husband had passed away or died in an unexpected accident, I suppose I would receive so much more support and comfort from others. People wouldn't be judging me if I was grieving because my husband died. No one would imply or say to me, “Emily, if you were just righteous, faithful, and prayed enough, your husband wouldn't have had to die right now.” Who would be insensitive enough to say that?

The 7 stages of grief are:

1. Shock & Denial
2. Pain & Guilt
3. Anger & Bargaining
4. “Depression,” Anger, & Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction& Working Thru
7. Acceptance & Hope

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

Instead, I am getting divorced for the 2^nd time from the same husband. There is the cultural implication that somehow I have failed to do the above mentioned “faithful” spiel that goes with it. It's against the “rules” to not “endure” my marriage in its entirety. Part of me says, “Don't they know that I'm grieving because I'm losing my husband? It's not as if I'm choosing for him to leave me.” In some ways I think the grief from divorce is more difficult. It's a living rejection based death. Not only am I grieving the loss of a precious loved one, I'm getting tossed aside as well. There is hurt and heartache along with the huge loss.

I have need of repentance for comparing and judging my experience and decisions against that of another. Everyone's situation is unique, yet there are many similarities.

Other people who have loved ones in addiction and mental health stick with it. That's great! I would love to stick with it, if “it” wanted to stick with me. I realize that despite my willingness to endure, I cannot make my husband want to be married to me or to anyone else for that matter. I can't force him to live up to my personal beliefs or standards. I do not have the power or ability to restore him to wholeness. That is God's role, not mine.

In an Al-Anon book today's date says:

“How often I look outside myself for approval!...If I can learn to evaluate my own actions and behavior and to value my own judgment, then the approval of others will be enjoyable, but no longer essential to my serenity.”

“Just for today, I will appreciate myself. I will not look to others for approval; I will provide it for myself. I'll allow myself to recognize that I am doing the best I can. Today my best is good enough.”

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. (Carl Jung).”

How fitting was all of that for me today?! I know that in the end, I will be okay. That no matter what happens I have intrinsic value and worth. I simply can only do my best and God takes care of the rest. Here's to letting go & letting God!